Quite Contrary

Sometimes what you see when you’re young doesn’t always process in your mind. You don’t make things out to be the way they actually are.  Come to think of it, that’s the way you’ll see the world for the rest of your life.

                When my memory began, or so it seems; I was so shy. So small and scared, terrified of everyone and everything that existed in what I thought was life. Words rarely came out of my mouth unless I was speaking to a relative or someone who miraculously decided to be my friend.

 How I even had friends at all still confuses me. I don’t remember being the kind of person kids would touch fingers with during ‘heads up, seven up.’ In fact I wasn’t. Making friends just sort of happened. Not a lot, but it still happened.

I changed friends frequently. I couldn’t figure out who I wanted to be like, or who I wanted to be associated with. At a very young age, I knew that I was different, that I was meant to switch partners. I wasn’t ever the type to have anyone be loyal to.

I changed cliques and personalities all of the time. I don’t know if it was on purpose or not. Who I was around determined who I was going to be for that moment. No, I didn’t have split personalities. I just wanted to be liked. I wanted to be accepted.

I never have been who others think I am, or maybe quite the opposite. Maybe it’s I who isn’t quite sure of who I’ve become or used to be. It’s actually pretty accurate to say that I, myself have no idea who I am or ever have been. I’ve been lost for a long while now, and I’ll probably never be discovered.